Finding the Root of Your Pain: A Path to Healing and Divorce Decision Making

Recently, I worked with a client, S, who was experiencing deep turmoil in her marriage. She was OK with her husband having another wife when she was in a different country. However as soon as she came to live in the same city, she found herself experiencing an intense amount of pain and turmoil leading to the question why should I stay in this polygenous marriage?

On one occasion she came for support questioning why she should stay married if her husband seemed to be the source of her pain. "Allah is the source of love and peace," she said. "If that’s what I’m yearning for, and my husband is bringing me turmoil, why stay married?"

This is a common struggle many of us face when we’re caught in the storm of our emotions. It’s easy to look outside ourselves and blame our spouse for our pain. But here’s the truth: the source of your turmoil isn’t your husband. The real source is your thinking—your thoughts about what he says or does.

I guided S to separate her internal state from her husband's actions. First, she needed to address her own feelings, to look inward rather than outward. It’s only when we quiet the storm within that we can see things clearly and respond to our spouse from a place of wisdom and taqwa, rather than pain and fear.

When S told me, “But it’s about what he said to me directly, so doesn’t that make him the source of my turmoil?” I helped her see that her feelings don’t come from what her husband said. Her feelings come from her thoughts about what he said—her interpretation, the story she created in her mind.

For instance, she shared that when she told her husband she didn’t want him to leave, he simply responded that he would be back tomorrow. In her mind, this simple statement spiraled into a belief that he didn’t love her, didn’t care about her, and that his feelings weren’t real. She had woven a narrative from her thoughts, which then became her truth, causing her pain.

I asked her to see the story she had created and how it wasn’t based on what her husband actually said, but on her interpretation of it. This realization was crucial. It helped her understand that the turmoil she felt was an inside job—it was her own beliefs about herself, not her husband, that were causing her pain.

The wound that was disguised as a reason to divorce, we uncovered was that she didn’t believe she was worthy of her husband’s love. She had been blocking herself from receiving the love he was offering because she didn’t believe she deserved it. This was a belief issue, not a husband issue. And once she understood this, she could start to heal.

The wound she uncovered was that she didn’t believe she was worthy of her husband’s love. This belief stemmed from a history of abandonment she experienced in her childhood. In those moments, when the adults who were supposed to protect and care for her did not, she unknowingly formed a narrative that she wasn’t worthy of love and protection. Now, in her marriage, these old wounds were resurfacing, causing her to interpret her husband’s actions as abandonment, even though he wasn’t actually abandoning her.

She was unknowingly and unconsciously bringing past memories, thoughts, and feelings into her present, contaminating her current experiences with the pain of her past. The narrative she attached to her husband’s actions wasn’t about the present reality—it was rooted in those past experiences of feeling abandoned. Allah was inviting her to heal this deep wound, to address the belief that she wasn’t worthy of love, care and protection.

Because of this unresolved wound, she had been blocking herself from receiving the love her husband was offering, not because of anything he was doing, but because she didn’t believe she deserved it. This was a belief issue, not a husband issue. And once she understood this, she could start to heal. By recognizing that her feelings of abandonment were echoes of her past, not reflections of her present, she began to open up to the love that was already there, waiting for her to receive it.

This trigger for her wasn’t about her husband or his other wife; it’s about your relationship with yourself, your beliefs about yourself, and your relationship with Allah. Your worth is directly from Allah, tied to you being His servant and nothing else.

This is how I helped S when it seemed to her that her husband was the source of her turmoil. By guiding her to take 100% responsibility for her feelings, she could see them as a love letter from Allah, pointing her to where she needed to heal. Once she understood this, she was able to receive the love her husband was giving her, and the urge to separate or divorce began to dissipate.

Perhaps Allah is inviting you to come back to Him in a deeper way to heal a wound within you.

If you’re struggling with similar feelings and want to explore how to heal these wounds and gain clarity in your marriage, to make a divorce decison with confidence and conviction, I invite you to join my 12-week Mastermind, Empowered Choices: Navigating Marital Crossroads with Clarity and Confidence. Let’s work together to help you find the peace and clarity you deserve, whether you choose to divorce or not to.