Finding Healing and Clarity in a Challenging Marriage

In a recent session, a client came to me feeling deeply hurt and upset, burdened by the sense that she was carrying her marriage alone. Her husband’s actions left her feeling disrespected and undervalued, which took a toll on her self-esteem. As a result, she found herself trapped in a cycle of trying to make things work, depleting her energy and confidence in the process.

During our conversation, she shared a recent argument with her husband, where he lashed out, became verbally abusive, and left the room, blaming her and justifying his actions. It was easy to label this behavior as gaslighting or narcissism, but I reminded her that these labels often distract from the message, or invitation Allah is sending her through this situation for healing and growth. Instead, we focused on her experience—her feelings of hurt, fear, and abandonment—and how her perception of or thinking about the situation was leading to her emotional response.

The key realization was that her sense of worth had been tied to her husband's actions, just as it had been with her father during childhood. She believed she was responsible for his happiness, a survival mechanism she learned early on. This belief led her to diminish herself, apologize when she had done nothing wrong, and take responsibility for his emotions. He would become triggered by her even without provocation, but she learned that she didn’t have to accept his narrative about her. By recognizing this, she could remain calm and neutral, not taking his behavior personally.

When she was triggered by his behavior, she came to understand that it was actually a message—a love letter from Allah. This triggered memory was surfacing to be healed, guiding her to release old patterns and reconnect with her true source of worth and security.

Through our work together, she began to see that safety and security do not come not from external sources but from her connection to Allah and herself. She recognized that her fear of abandonment was a past memory surfacing in the present, but as an adult, she didn’t need to fear anyone except Allah. This shift in perception allowed her to approach her marriage from a place of self-worth and inner strength, rather than victimhood.

Ultimately, she learned that no one can make her feel unworthy unless she allows it through her own thinking. She began to heal by understanding the root cause of her hurt and reframing her thoughts about fairness in the marriage. Rather than seeing herself as carrying the marriage alone, she began to ask: “What do I need, and where do I seek it from?”

Her husband’s lack of reciprocation was no longer a source of her pain. Instead, she refreshed her intention as a wife, seeing her role as an act of worship. Marriage, as half our deen, requires constant inner reflection and growth, leading us closer to Allah. Through this process, she began to show up with compassion, respect, and value for herself, and husband to set and hold healthy boundaries in her marriage.